Eating Penguin... and other acts of nonsense.

Welcome to Eating Penguin, where your senses will be assaulted by ruminations of the absurd and unique outlook of one hunter of world renown. Okay, maybe I made up the part about world renown, but everything else is accurate.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Choosing the right penguin-hunting vehicle

Extreme weather and challenges of terrain make the selection of a penguin hunting vehicle quite the difficult task.  One could choose a Sno-Cat, which tend to be very large, cumbersome, slow, ugly and, quite frankly, way outside of my budget of whatever I can steal from my friends and family.  Let's not spread that around, though. That will have to be our little secret.

After an incredible amount of research and an even greater amount of alcohol, I believe I have found the perfect working vehicle for steep slopes and icy terrain.  Take a look at the test run...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Ensuring the kill

You know something?  The logistics alone of the Great Penguin Hunt are staggering, but now I also have to figure out what kind of gun to use in taking one of these majestic and ferocious beasts.

I brought this up to my fellow penguin hunter, Greg, and he offered the dynamics of many different makes and calibers, but as he did so, he was quick to recommend certain ammunitions, based upon destructive ability.  You see, I suspect Greg is not so much interested in the bird being stuffed and mounted in his living room, but in assuring the wild penguin doesn't get back up to come at him and peck him to death.  And to be fair, I'm not altogether sure how it would look on the wall, mounted next to his elk.

Ballistic tables were brought into play, as we may only have one shot.  That whole pesky 'protected species' crap is playing hell with my plans and we may have to shoot one from a seagoing vessel, which means I may need a really hot round to compensate for ocean swell.  I'm thinking about the .223 Winchester Super Short Mag.

The .223 WSSM is an awesome round.  Imagine a .22 bullet coming out of the cartridge of a .300 Win Mag, with muzzle velocities approaching 4,600 feet per second making it the fastest .22 caliber in production today.  With the right hollow-point (maybe a small 40 grain copper jacket), I think I can explode the heart with little damage to surrounding meat, but may also be able to save enough of the hide to successfully mount this bad-boy right next to the new 42 that I got for Christmas.  Plus, if I can get one of the hunting magazines to film the poaching, er... hunt, I can also watch it on high-def.

Oh, it just gives me shivers to think about it.

Greg, however, is of a different mindset.  After great deliberation, he has settled on the .450 Bushmaster.  This is an AR-15 style rifle he can equip with a Swarovski Ballistic Turret riflescope with 2.5-15x56mm precision.  Of course, this particular rifle utilizes a 250 grain bullet traveling at 2,200 feet per second that will leave a concussive wake that will knock down small elephants.  I'm pretty sure they don't yet have Dumbo hanging out in the lower hemisphere, so we should be good.

With that particular combination of firepower and optics, Greg can probably shoot an Antarctic rockhopper from Glendale.

Of course, what will be left of the carcass would be just enough to put on a MacDonald's Egg McMuffin.  Greg, I think, is more engaged in the thrill of the hunt than the succulent taste of penguin, but I could be wrong about that.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Do polar bears eat penguins?

It has come to my attention that Adolph Hitler was actually interested in penguin behavior long before I lusted for Buffalo penguin wings.  The video below is proof.  

Who would have thought that Adolph Hitler could have solved the debate?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Penguin Conspiracy

As I continuallly ponder the sweet taste of penguin, I occasionally encounter a tale of how someone else has actually dined on the flightless birds.

The video below details how, in 1975, the research vessel General San Martin found itself locked in the ice of the Weddell Sea.  A Coast Guard icebreaker, the USS Glacier, attempted to rescue the ship, but found itself trapped in the ice as well.  The difference between these mishaps and the famed 1914 expedition of Ernest Shackleton is helicopters.  The sailors were airlifted to safety, whereas the crew of the Endurance was forced to live on the ice for eighteen months.  Quite a story and I recommend the read.

In 1975, however, there was a small group of sailors stranded at a remote scientific research station during a week-long snow storm.  The story is that the sailors quickly exhausted the food supply at the research station and were forced to eat penguin meat for survival.

Really?  They managed to eat an entire year's supply of rations in a week?  I smell a conspiracy.

I believe the whole 'scientific study' thing was simply a ruse for penguin fingers.  Watch the video and come to your own conclusions.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Latitudes and Logistics

As I ponder the logistics of the Great Penguin Expedition, I consider the problems and obstacles of other Great Hunts.

Christopher Columbus sought cheap spice by taking a shortcut across the Atlantic.  Lewis and Clark blazed a trail across a continent, leading the way for westward expansion and Indian casinos.  Bill Clinton sought strange in a blue dress and Barack Obama found his way to America from Kenya.  All adventures.  Some good, some bad.

There has to be a pay-off in the quest of the unknown.  All the above had eventual financial gain, Clinton withstanding, as all that interested him was an innovative use of a brand new Cuban cigar.  Riches, however, are not always the pay-off.  People often spend fortunes in the pursuit of extreme achievements, such as climbing Mt. Everest, rafting the mighty Colorado, surfing a 50-foot wave, or sleeping with Lindsay Lohan.

Okay, so maybe the last one isn't much of an achievement.  If fact, it's probably going the wrong way.  Like Obamacare.  Too costly a pursuit for too little return.  And skanky.

An expedition to bag a penguin is a costly enterprise.  The closest penguins I can locate are in the Galapagos Islands near the equator, but I have a hankering for a traditional feast of cold-weather penguin.  Perhaps a nice Emperor with some rockhoppers on the side.  Imagine an orange glaze and walnut stuffing with a bottle of Riesling.  Oh, yeah, just what the chef ordered.  Speaking of chefs, I may have to check on that Fergus Drennan guy first.  You know, the dude who prepares road-kill?  I wonder if he's ever poached an Adele...?

It's looking like a voyage to the Antarctic for me.  Maybe the South Sandwich Islands, which isn't quite the Antarctic, but it's damn close to those frozen shores and there's a certain poetry about going to the Sandwich Islands for a penguin sandwich.  Get it?  Never mind.

Transportation costs will be as extreme as the environmental conditions, so I'm considering alternative methods of financing.  I wonder if there isn't some kind of federal grant that would help out?  Hell, the government pays farmers not to grow crops, so why wouldn't they pay for an investigative journey for myself and others to hunt..., uhhh... study..., penguins?  Yeah, that's it.  Study penguins.  Just makes sense to me.

Kind of like reelecting Barack Obama.  A lot of thought going into a major decision, then the brutal realization that you've shot yourself in the political foot.  Many thought they were voting for Hope and Change, but what they received was Awe and Crap.

Enough for now, I need to start working on penguin camo.  I got a white sheet and some black paint.  Going for the six-foot tall penguin look.  And practice my waddle.