Eating Penguin... and other acts of nonsense.

Welcome to Eating Penguin, where your senses will be assaulted by ruminations of the absurd and unique outlook of one hunter of world renown. Okay, maybe I made up the part about world renown, but everything else is accurate.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Choosing the right penguin-hunting vehicle

Extreme weather and challenges of terrain make the selection of a penguin hunting vehicle quite the difficult task.  One could choose a Sno-Cat, which tend to be very large, cumbersome, slow, ugly and, quite frankly, way outside of my budget of whatever I can steal from my friends and family.  Let's not spread that around, though. That will have to be our little secret.

After an incredible amount of research and an even greater amount of alcohol, I believe I have found the perfect working vehicle for steep slopes and icy terrain.  Take a look at the test run...

video

Monday, January 16, 2012

Ensuring the kill

You know something?  The logistics alone of the Great Penguin Hunt are staggering, but now I also have to figure out what kind of gun to use in taking one of these majestic and ferocious beasts.

I brought this up to my fellow penguin hunter, Greg, and he offered the dynamics of many different makes and calibers, but as he did so, he was quick to recommend certain ammunitions, based upon destructive ability.  You see, I suspect Greg is not so much interested in the bird being stuffed and mounted in his living room, but in assuring the wild penguin doesn't get back up to come at him and peck him to death.  And to be fair, I'm not altogether sure how it would look on the wall, mounted next to his elk.

Ballistic tables were brought into play, as we may only have one shot.  That whole pesky 'protected species' crap is playing hell with my plans and we may have to shoot one from a seagoing vessel, which means I may need a really hot round to compensate for ocean swell.  I'm thinking about the .223 Winchester Super Short Mag.

The .223 WSSM is an awesome round.  Imagine a .22 bullet coming out of the cartridge of a .300 Win Mag, with muzzle velocities approaching 4,600 feet per second making it the fastest .22 caliber in production today.  With the right hollow-point (maybe a small 40 grain copper jacket), I think I can explode the heart with little damage to surrounding meat, but may also be able to save enough of the hide to successfully mount this bad-boy right next to the new 42 that I got for Christmas.  Plus, if I can get one of the hunting magazines to film the poaching, er... hunt, I can also watch it on high-def.



Oh, it just gives me shivers to think about it.

Greg, however, is of a different mindset.  After great deliberation, he has settled on the .450 Bushmaster.  This is an AR-15 style rifle he can equip with a Swarovski Ballistic Turret riflescope with 2.5-15x56mm precision.  Of course, this particular rifle utilizes a 250 grain bullet traveling at 2,200 feet per second that will leave a concussive wake that will knock down small elephants.  I'm pretty sure they don't yet have Dumbo hanging out in the lower hemisphere, so we should be good.


With that particular combination of firepower and optics, Greg can probably shoot an Antarctic rockhopper from Glendale.

Of course, what will be left of the carcass would be just enough to put on a MacDonald's Egg McMuffin.  Greg, I think, is more engaged in the thrill of the hunt than the succulent taste of penguin, but I could be wrong about that.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Do polar bears eat penguins?

It has come to my attention that Adolph Hitler was actually interested in penguin behavior long before I lusted for Buffalo penguin wings.  The video below is proof.  

Who would have thought that Adolph Hitler could have solved the debate?


video


Thursday, January 5, 2012

Penguin Conspiracy

As I continuallly ponder the sweet taste of penguin, I occasionally encounter a tale of how someone else has actually dined on the flightless birds.

The video below details how, in 1975, the research vessel General San Martin found itself locked in the ice of the Weddell Sea.  A Coast Guard icebreaker, the USS Glacier, attempted to rescue the ship, but found itself trapped in the ice as well.  The difference between these mishaps and the famed 1914 expedition of Ernest Shackleton is helicopters.  The sailors were airlifted to safety, whereas the crew of the Endurance was forced to live on the ice for eighteen months.  Quite a story and I recommend the read.

In 1975, however, there was a small group of sailors stranded at a remote scientific research station during a week-long snow storm.  The story is that the sailors quickly exhausted the food supply at the research station and were forced to eat penguin meat for survival.

Really?  They managed to eat an entire year's supply of rations in a week?  I smell a conspiracy.

I believe the whole 'scientific study' thing was simply a ruse for penguin fingers.  Watch the video and come to your own conclusions.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Latitudes and Logistics

As I ponder the logistics of the Great Penguin Expedition, I consider the problems and obstacles of other Great Hunts.

Christopher Columbus sought cheap spice by taking a shortcut across the Atlantic.  Lewis and Clark blazed a trail across a continent, leading the way for westward expansion and Indian casinos.  Bill Clinton sought strange in a blue dress and Barack Obama found his way to America from Kenya.  All adventures.  Some good, some bad.

There has to be a pay-off in the quest of the unknown.  All the above had eventual financial gain, Clinton withstanding, as all that interested him was an innovative use of a brand new Cuban cigar.  Riches, however, are not always the pay-off.  People often spend fortunes in the pursuit of extreme achievements, such as climbing Mt. Everest, rafting the mighty Colorado, surfing a 50-foot wave, or sleeping with Lindsay Lohan.

Okay, so maybe the last one isn't much of an achievement.  If fact, it's probably going the wrong way.  Like Obamacare.  Too costly a pursuit for too little return.  And skanky.

An expedition to bag a penguin is a costly enterprise.  The closest penguins I can locate are in the Galapagos Islands near the equator, but I have a hankering for a traditional feast of cold-weather penguin.  Perhaps a nice Emperor with some rockhoppers on the side.  Imagine an orange glaze and walnut stuffing with a bottle of Riesling.  Oh, yeah, just what the chef ordered.  Speaking of chefs, I may have to check on that Fergus Drennan guy first.  You know, the dude who prepares road-kill?  I wonder if he's ever poached an Adele...?

It's looking like a voyage to the Antarctic for me.  Maybe the South Sandwich Islands, which isn't quite the Antarctic, but it's damn close to those frozen shores and there's a certain poetry about going to the Sandwich Islands for a penguin sandwich.  Get it?  Never mind.

Transportation costs will be as extreme as the environmental conditions, so I'm considering alternative methods of financing.  I wonder if there isn't some kind of federal grant that would help out?  Hell, the government pays farmers not to grow crops, so why wouldn't they pay for an investigative journey for myself and others to hunt..., uhhh... study..., penguins?  Yeah, that's it.  Study penguins.  Just makes sense to me.

Kind of like reelecting Barack Obama.  A lot of thought going into a major decision, then the brutal realization that you've shot yourself in the political foot.  Many thought they were voting for Hope and Change, but what they received was Awe and Crap.

Enough for now, I need to start working on penguin camo.  I got a white sheet and some black paint.  Going for the six-foot tall penguin look.  And practice my waddle.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas in High-Def

Christmas comes and goes and this year it was a traditional tamale dinner with family.  Not that I have anything against turkey and ham, but I do love the tamales.  And rice.  And chips and salsa!  Beer on tap in the house!  I'm telling you, that's the good stuff.  I'm pretty sure that's what Mary served to Joseph just a few hours after she gave birth to our Lord and Savior.  Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...

This Christmas was quite enjoyable, as I was reminded of the importance and value of family.  After one of the worst economic years on my personal record, I had occasion to count my blessings.  Although the possibility of bankruptcy of many of my friends, myself, AND the country as a whole continues to loom large on the horizon, I find myself basking in the warmth of family.

I learned recently that I will be blessed with a grandchild in the summer of 2012.  My family members are healthy and we maintain contact often.  Life is good.  And another thing...

HDTV.  My son and daughter-in-law decided to drag me kicking and screaming into the new century.  They accomplished this with a Christmas present this year.  It was a glorious conspiracy between them and Mama Murphy and I was completely floored by it.  My brother and his family compounded the damage with a gift of a Blu-Ray player.

Hell, up to now I was pretty cool with VHS.

42 inches of high-definition digital visual heaven!  I had no idea how a simple living room could be converted into an extravaganza of visual enlightenment and grandiosity!  Oh, yes, I WILL use the big words...  Well, to be honest, I did have an idea, since I have seen the big screen at my son's home, BUT THIS ONE'S IN MY HOUSE!

The first thing I watched on the new window to the soul of the universe?  That's right.  "Happy Feet"  Oh, how those penguins can dance!  That big, fat Emperor looked like he would fit nicely on a barbecue spit in my back yard and some of those small Chinstraps would make nice kabobs.

The High-Def leaves me looking forward to seeing one of those cooking shows detailing how to cook exotic animals.  I don't think I'll need help with the gutting and skinning.  Kind of like a big dove.  On steroids.  In Japan.

Dovezilla.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Comments Advice

Okay, so evidently there is some miscommunication on how this whole 'Comments' thing works.  It seems you have to already have an account established before being able to post a comment on this blog.  The easiest way to accomplish this is to establish a gmail account.

Once you have established a gmail email account, you can post comments on eatingpenguin.com and join in the hunt!

In the meantime, please enjoy the video below.  I cannot correctly attribute the actual owners of the video, as I am not altogether sure where it came from.

video

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Mated for Life

My son, Shane, was busy attending the Christmas party at Chase Field tonight.  He and is wife attended what has to be one of the coolest parties on Earth; the GoDaddy.com event hosted by Bob Parsons each year.  What other company can boast they have not only live music, but the likes of Dierks Bentley, Trace Adkins, AND Kid Rock?  Seriously, people, I tip my hat to Bob Parsons.

And that got me to thinking about some of the other cool things Bob Parsons has accomplished in his tenure as CEO and founder of GoDaddy.com.  He has a take-no-prisoners attitude in business, promotes the most outrageous commercials know to man, incorporates innovative marketing campaigns, and recently went on safari in Africa to kill an elephant.  The elephant hunt gained worldwide attention, due to the footage of the local villagers tearing into the carcass of the elephant.  Obviously I am okay with that, but the PETA people, not so much.  Kudos to you, Mr. Parsons!

Of course, the elephant safari got me to ponder the Great Penguin Hunt again.

One of my associates is, if I may say so, even more committed to the Great Penguin Hunt than I am.  He lives and breathes penguin.  He studies their habits, their hiding places, their diets.  He has even enlisted the help of a zoological psychiatrist; a penguin-whisperer, if you will.  There is quite possibly no one alive today who is better equipped, mentally, to take on a penguin in a fair fight.

That's why it came as a surprise when yet another of my associates informed Greg about a little known fact about penguins --- evidently they are monogamous and mate for life.  Now, we can argue the merit or foolishness of such a practice, but it did present a moral dilemma for Greg.


What would be the proper course of action?  Cultures all over the world have struggled with battle for territory and stature.  It is the nature of human beings to divide and conquer, whether it be among enemies or their own loved ones.  It's what we do, simple as that.  We are, however, also a race of evolving beings held captive by the morals and ethics of our ancestors.  It is incumbent upon us to do the right thing, whenever we can, that is.

So Greg fought with this conundrum long and hard.  Satisfy his need and obsession with the succulent meat of a large, flightless bird, leaving another penguin heartbroken and lonely for the remainder of its life or exercising the option of humanity, kindness, and compassion by giving up on the quest altogether?  Greg struggled with this for about thirty seconds and came to the only possible solution...

He'd kill them both.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Minimalism

I was having dinner and copious amounts of alcohol with a very good friend of mine last night and we began discussing the merits of 'mininmalism'.

Okay, that's not entirely true.  It began by my explaining to him my fascination with tasting penguin meat and how I was trying to arrange a safari to Wake Island, just in case they might have the original Angry Birds there.  C'mon, they have to be the original Angry Birds, right?  Wouldn't you be pissed if you were a big-ass bird, but flightless?  Thought so.

Not so much with my friend.  While I was talking, I noticed he had his fancy smart-phone out and was Googling how to have someone committed for observation.  Not that I'm paranoid or anything, but I felt it was a good time to move on to different subjects.

His diabolical use of the smart-phone led us to the wonders of modern achievement and how much easier life is today.  My friend (I'll call him Rollie, so if I ever am committed against my will, everyone will know exactly who threw me under the psychiatric bus...) decided he could live life without the many and various advantages we enjoy today.

I had to think about that for a moment.  I mean, we really do have some really cool stuff these days.  Not that I have any of them, mind you.  I don't own the latest and greatest in innovation.  I manage to catch up with it later, when the prices have gone down a bit.  Of course, that sometimes means they may be a bit outdated by then.  I was trying to justify my lifestyle to my son recently and he disagreed with me.

"Dad, do you even know what century this is?"

"Of course I do, Shane.  What's that got to do with anything?"

"I'm 24, Dad.  You television is 12 years older than I am.  You do the math..."

Hey, what can I say?  That TV is a 27" color television.  Pretty cool, huh?  Well, at least that's what people were saying when it was new.  I told Rollie about it and he was very impressed.  "I remember that TV from years ago.  Why do you keep it around?  Nostalgia?"

"No, actually, I watch "Bones" on it."

I snatched his smart-phone from him before he could check on commitment procedures again.

Okay, it's true that I may not be as up-to-date as most people.  I'm okay with broadcast television and refuse to pay for cable or satellite.  I have owned only two brand-new vehicles in my life; the first one lasted me twenty years and well over 300,000 miles.  I'm seven years into the latest purchase, so I figure I'm good for awhile.

But I am determined to move on in life.  Which explains why I am using something called a laptop computer to check on transportation modes and costs to Wake Island.

I'm gonna bag me a penguin yet.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Eating penguin...?

Few things in life give greater pleasure than doing something wrong, don't you think?  And what could be so wrong that one could be overwhelmed with guilty pleasure?  Yep, you guessed it. Eating penguin.

(Just look at all those happy feet!)

What exactly does penguin taste like?  Damn good question and I wish I had an answer for you, but evidently penguins are what's know as a 'protected' species and are, as such, protected by law.  Those that have actually partook of the rare delicacy are few and far between, which, of course, just increases my curiosity.  One survivor of the Shackleton expedition to Antarctica in 1914 related that it tasted like 'leather marinated in turpentine...'

Well, hell yes, that gets MY taste buds rolling!  I don't care what you say, them sounds like good eatin'!

They say penguins are found only in the southern hemisphere, but I know that not to be true.  I have seen them at Sea World.  They DO exist here.  I also wonder if the photo below is what many believe are a rare breed of Arizona desert penguin.


I haven't yet figured out the best way to hunt penguins.  Well, at least how to hunt them and actually get away with it.  I mean, c'mon, we know the little buggers are hiding in plain sight, but it's going to be tough to get a clean shot off with all those spectators and such.  Plus, I use a Remington 7mm Magnum, so there may not be much left other than penguin giblets.  Gots a lots o' planning to do before taking on the Great Penguin Hunt.

We will be discussing tactics and such from time to time.  Preferred hunting grounds, ideal methods of capture and/or harvest, how to skin the little critters, and preferred cooking recipes.  I can't say for you, but I am excited!

But, as I ponder these dilemmas, why not use the space to talk about other things in life that make just about as much sense as eating penguin?  Stay tuned for more...