As I ponder the logistics of the Great Penguin Expedition, I consider the problems and obstacles of other Great Hunts.
Christopher Columbus sought cheap spice by taking a shortcut across the Atlantic. Lewis and Clark blazed a trail across a continent, leading the way for westward expansion and Indian casinos. Bill Clinton sought strange in a blue dress and Barack Obama found his way to America from Kenya. All adventures. Some good, some bad.
There has to be a pay-off in the quest of the unknown. All the above had eventual financial gain, Clinton withstanding, as all that interested him was an innovative use of a brand new Cuban cigar. Riches, however, are not always the pay-off. People often spend fortunes in the pursuit of extreme achievements, such as climbing Mt. Everest, rafting the mighty Colorado, surfing a 50-foot wave, or sleeping with Lindsay Lohan.
Okay, so maybe the last one isn't much of an achievement. If fact, it's probably going the wrong way. Like Obamacare. Too costly a pursuit for too little return. And skanky.
An expedition to bag a penguin is a costly enterprise. The closest penguins I can locate are in the Galapagos Islands near the equator, but I have a hankering for a traditional feast of cold-weather penguin. Perhaps a nice Emperor with some rockhoppers on the side. Imagine an orange glaze and walnut stuffing with a bottle of Riesling. Oh, yeah, just what the chef ordered. Speaking of chefs, I may have to check on that Fergus Drennan guy first. You know, the dude who prepares road-kill? I wonder if he's ever poached an Adele...?
It's looking like a voyage to the Antarctic for me. Maybe the South Sandwich Islands, which isn't quite the Antarctic, but it's damn close to those frozen shores and there's a certain poetry about going to the Sandwich Islands for a penguin sandwich. Get it? Never mind.
Transportation costs will be as extreme as the environmental conditions, so I'm considering alternative methods of financing. I wonder if there isn't some kind of federal grant that would help out? Hell, the government pays farmers not to grow crops, so why wouldn't they pay for an investigative journey for myself and others to hunt..., uhhh... study..., penguins? Yeah, that's it. Study penguins. Just makes sense to me.
Kind of like reelecting Barack Obama. A lot of thought going into a major decision, then the brutal realization that you've shot yourself in the political foot. Many thought they were voting for Hope and Change, but what they received was Awe and Crap.
Enough for now, I need to start working on penguin camo. I got a white sheet and some black paint. Going for the six-foot tall penguin look. And practice my waddle.